floating

sometimes I get this feeling where I’m floating, totally withdrawn and disconnected and riding waves of lyrics and poetry in the tides of my gray matter.

I wonder if it’s a bad thing, if after a while I’ll just completely float away, so I try to stay connected, try to speak to people, try to relate. try to do anything to tether me back down to the ground I can hardly believe my feet are actually resting on. but on days like today no one seems willing to make the connection. my words bubble up from a throat that doesn’t feel like a part of me and come out confused, jumbled because I knew what I wanted to say until I opened my mouth.

the only parts of me that seem to still work properly are my fingers, scrawling out lines and thoughts and concepts half-explored and then abandoned in favor of surfing new brainwaves.

people these days are always looking down, so instead I look up, and I’m left feeling even more isolated than when I started.

it creeps

maybe this is a depression or anxiety thing, or maybe it’s not. I’m not exactly an expert on this… but here, have some angsty self-deprecating poetry from today

 

it creeps
seeping in around the edges and
corrupting every thought
every menial detail
all the things you know as fact
they change
they twist
they start popping up error codes in your head
and the worst part is that you know
you know it’s creeping in,
looming from those places
that you like to pretend are empty
it infects your joy
it infects your courage and your trust
it poisons your relationships
and it seeds doubt in otherwise flowering gardens
insidious vines reaching up
wrapping around your positivity
and choking it out
until it withers and blackens.
you can’t stop it
no matter how aware of it you are
no matter how well you know that you’re
just being melodramatic
it reaffirms everything that the
creeping feeling whispers into your
darkening spaces
you’re pushing people away
and worse
you feel like that’s what you should be doing
and nothing anyone says changes it
because the creeping is too loud
the creeping is too present
and ultimately
you never want to be alone
but you feel as if you deserve it.
the creeping doesn’t make for very good company. ♥

why even ask?

here’s something that’s kind of funny:

if you’ve ever experienced depression, you probably know what it’s like to constantly be asked by everyone if there’s something wrong, and if you want to talk about it. usually, when people ask me, I just say no and move on… actually talking about my depressive bouts while I’m in them usually just serves to make me more emotional and make it less likely to pass.

but on occasion, I’ll slip up, and I’ll tell someone a little something about how I’m feeling or what’s going on.

isn’t it funny that once you tell them, you almost always realize that they didn’t actually want to know in the first place? the conversation becomes awkward, and they look at you with this irritating look of pity but have no idea what to say to you, and you can tell that some part of them regrets asking. and maybe they regret it because they didn’t really care and thought you’d just turn them down, or maybe it’s something more optimistic and benign like they wanted to help but don’t actually have any clue what to do or say to someone who’s depressed.

either way, sometimes I wonder why people even ask. sometimes it’s even hard to talk to loved ones and friends about it, because you just end up feeling like you’re driving them away by being so… depressing.

I find that I have to be careful who I talk to about it – it pretty much has to be limited to either someone I know for certain won’t leave because of it (usually a parent, sometimes a significant other or best friend but then again, in my experience, that isn’t always reliable) or just people I don’t know on the internet where I can remain anonymous and only people who actually give a shit will bother to read it. like this.

and maybe I’m not a great person for saying this instead of saying that “you should just trust your friends and family to help you out, because there they’re for you,” but there’s something about that which seems a bit disingenuous to me, so I won’t.

still, if you happen to be in my position, try to find those people who you can talk to no matter what. or, at least, I guess you can post something anonymous on the internet, or even talk to me. beauty of the internet is I’ll probably never meet you and can at least relate to your circumstances, and I’m not someone with any risk involved.

or, get a therapist. if that kind of thing works for you.

anyway, I just thought it was kind of funny. ♥

homogenous shoes

okay, so, weirdest thing.

I was sitting in my english class the other day, we were doing some kind of seminar thing and sitting in chair circles talking about this horrible book by William Faulkner called Light in August (if you haven’t read it, don’t).

I suddenly looked down… and noticed that out of the seven girls in the circle, five of them were wearing the exact same shoes. they were sandals, with these round sort of designs, and the only difference between the five pairs of shoes was a very slight color difference. I’m talking, they were silver, gold, bronze, copper, and another silver.

I just wanted to ask them if it was planned, but I thought they might take offense at my pointing out just how identical everyone looks these days and how unoriginal they all are. so I didn’t say anything, but I swear I spent half the time staring at their matching shoes.

and as I sat there contemplating this somewhat stunning and irritating example of how homogenous people in our American society have become, I realized just how out of place I was. here I was, sitting in this classroom full of preppy AP girls, suddenly realizing that next to all of them, in their cute pastel colors and sandals and short skirts, I looked like a squid trying to fit in with a crowd of dolphins.

but does it really matter? I’ve never been like all those preppy kids and frankly, I very rarely make friends in my AP classes, only acquaintances. what does that mean? does that mean that I am out of place and shouldn’t be there? maybe. but I think it means that all these intelligent, high-class, typically white advanced students are far more society driven than internally driven. that our youth are becoming homogenized, and that now the person who stands out is the social outcast. we don’t fit in with their rules for what they believe people should be, and that makes us different and strange. people usually have a hard time accepting things they don’t understand, and the class “loner” is no exception. I’m not what they expect me to be. I break their schemas for AP students, but I break their schemas for an oddball or a slouch with my intelligence.

people don’t generally take well to their schemas being defied. we struggle to place the stand-outs in a category, generally because they don’t fit into any. people treat you differently if you don’t fit in somewhere. this has always been a problem of mine, and the only solution is to find and befriend others with the same problem. so my friend group has always been the (generally) social awkward, not-what-people-expect, outcasts that find our peace and solace among each other.

the fact that I am content with this outcome does not change the fact that I am frequently disappointed in the rest of my society.

the shoes in english class were just an example that stood out to me.

it’s been a hell of a long time

wow. I guess I kind of forgot about this blog, for a long time. I should probably post a bunch of updates, even though nobody really cares.

well, all of the various “boy situations” didn’t work out. I gave up on K. in December I started casually dating J, because as it turned out we were both decently interested in each other but not looking for anything serious out of it. however, literally the day after we decided to date, I met someone. I was at a Christmas party with several of my friends, when I met this girl G. she and I got along instantly, and we spent half of the party snuggling and joking around.

long story short, she’s now my girlfriend. we have been together since late January, so that’s nice. she’s a lot of fun and she is very cute, so, yeah.

another thing that happened recently is that I failed one of my classes for a quarter for the first time in my life, ap biology. it turns out that I have clinical depression, and I was diagnosed and am now seeing a psychologist for it, under consideration of putting me on medication to combat it. it runs in my family; my great uncle committed suicide, my uncle tried and was diagnosed, and my mother tried and was diagnosed as a teen. I guess it’s not so surprising, but it has been certainly frustrating, and with terrible timing as now my mother is freaking out about the possibility of having my University of Tennessee admissions decision retracted.

oh, I guess that’s another thing. I was accepted to University of Tennessee to study neuroscience, and I received an automatic “Out-of-State Excellence Award” scholarship for $10k a year. so that’s cool.

impatiently awaiting the end of my high school career now. my therapist says I need to celebrate the little things that I can accomplish on a day-to-day basis when the big goals seem too much. my goal right now is just to survive until June, but sometimes even that goal seems overwhelming.

I guess that’s it. talk to you guys later. I’ll try to get back in the habit of updating this blog more often.

(p.s.: I also have some other random little things written, so I might post some of those soon.)

feedback?

I just added a feedback form to my about page. if you ever have the desire to give feedback, suggestions (on how to deal with the problems I’m facing, for example), questions, requests (for topics you want me to talk about, for example, or for anything else), looking for advice (because apparently I’m great at giving advice?), or really anything else that you want to say or tell me.

I’m also giving the option to have your feedback published here on the blog, so feel free to take advantage of that too. they can be anonymous.

feel free to use it. ♥

catching up

hey everybody.

a lot’s happened since I last posted, and I apologize for not keeping you updated.

K didn’t work out, so that possibility has been abandoned. I’ll keep the explanation very short.

as it turns out, The Bitch broke up with him quite a while ago to go play with other people at college. since that happened, he’s been avoiding a relationship with anyone and sleeping with everyone. he told me there are a whole bunch of girls that he’s sleeping with, and that they don’t mean anything to him.

he told me that if there’s anyone he has feelings for, it’s me. but he still doesn’t want a relationship. so he told me that we could have a casual thing, and that he’d be willing to give me some of the experience that I am looking for.

but at the same time, he told me that even if we had a casual thing, he would continue to sleep with all of these other girls. he asked me if that was okay, and I told him I didn’t know. that it was too much to process all at once, and that I would tell him what I thought later.

about a week later I told him I didn’t think I could do it. it wasn’t something I was comfortable with, and that was it.

nothing else has really happened in relation to my “love life,” nor has much happened worth noting.

I just got back from a trip to Chicago to see a friend of mine, my best friend in the world. we spent the weekend together, and though she had to work part of Saturday, we had a great time. I already miss her so much. I forget, sometimes, what it’s like to have someone you can trust with your whole heart. someone who you can be completely relaxed and at ease around. someone who understands you, someone you don’t have to hide from.

we’re really bad about keeping in touch. we have been even since before she moved away. so we decided that we are going to call each other every week, and skype sometimes too. it means a lot to me.

that’s basically everything that’s happened. well, not exactly. but everything worth mentioning. ♥

finally

the wait may finally be over, folks.

I talked to K today because I wanted to see him sometime soon, and he seemed really happy–much happier than he’s seemed in chat in a long time. he’s got a job he’s actually happy with, and his facebook status says single… he might have finally broken up with The Bitch!

anyways, I get to see him next tuesday and I’m thrilled. this might mean that I don’t have to be alone again. this might mean that I can finally have someone to be with… I’m so excited I can hardly contain it. he says he misses me, that he wants to see me too… I really hope that this could go somewhere. I really hope that this could go somewhere wonderful.

alright! done with my excited rant about a boy. hopefully hopefully hopefully this works out! eeeee~!  ♥

it’s so much

sometimes it feels like I have everything under control, but then other days I feel like I’m utterly lost and alone.

why do I feel this way? I’m not alone… but I always feel so empty…

it probably doesn’t help that everyone seems to want me but they don’t want me.

and the few people that I want are all too complicated. K, the one I’d love to be with, who is taken. I don’t need to elaborate on that story, it’s been said and it doesn’t need to be said again. now there’s JD, a new guy who caught my interest. maybe he likes me, maybe he doesn’t. I really can’t tell. and even if something could happen, I don’t know what to expect from him, what we would be like together. I don’t know what he’s looking for… and there’s people I think are cute, and people I think are fun or interesting, and people who need me, and it’s so much.

why is it that people seem to need me so often, why is it that I have to be everyone else’s support when I can hardly hold myself up?

it’s so much, and sometimes I feel like I’m starting to cave from all this pressure.

why does anyone actually like me

so uh

I mean I knew this before but I feel like it’s just repeatedly proven to me over and over

I am really a bitch.

seriously, how does anyone stand me? I’m a whiny, selfish, arrogant, insulting human being and sometimes I really don’t understand why anyone actually likes me or finds me to be an enjoyable human being.

I just… I don’t know. maybe I’m overreacting, maybe I’m just being whiny and selfish as always, maybe I’m just trying to get attention, I don’t fucking know.

but if someone could tell me why anyone actually gives a shit about me, wants to be around me, or likes me at all that would be really awesome.  ♥